The Path

Yeah, that’s pretty much how it happened.  Except maybe the whole desert part. Today is my birthday and I can’t think of a better starting point from which to go on a journey.  It is one that involves all of my roles in life - as a woman, a mother, a wife, an actor, an activist, and maybe, one day, as a visionary.  It’s a journey of self study and comes purely from the inside. And it’s one I feel deeply compelled to take.

I know that this is an opportunity that I am deeply privileged to take and that I have a level of freedom given to me that is not something other people on this planet, particularly women, can even imagine.  So it is with this full awareness that I move forward.

Every day at 1:30pm a reminder comes up on my phone asking me “What am I grateful for?"  And every day I usually have the same answers—my children, my husband, this sandwich…

But I would like to answer this question more fully.

I am GRATEFUL for every single part of, and person, in my history.  GRATEFUL for all of the people who have inspired me by being fearless and strong or by being fearful yet still moving forward and having an unwavering belief in themselves and in me.  GRATEFUL for those who have been living examples of a life well and fully lived regardless of its length. I am GRATEFUL for the experiences of giving birth to and raising two boys that teach me more about life than anything I have done or will ever do.  I am GRATEFUL I got to fulfill a dream and play a character on a show that touched and inspired so many people with her bravery, fierce loyalty, and strength.  GRATEFUL for an upbringing of pure creativity and possibility. GRATEFUL to all the incredible mothers around me who I learn from every day.  GRATEFUL to have a husband who brings me more love and joy than I could have hoped for. GRATEFUL for discovering the immense wisdom of my body that ALWAYS knows what it needs.  I am GRATEFUL for all of the opportunities I have had in this tremendous life I have been given.  

But I have come to be GRATEFUL (probably even more so) to those whose energy I struggled with.  Those whose actions or my perception of those actions put doubt in me.  Those who have inched me closer every day to living my truth.   I am GRATEFUL for finally realizing (and continuing to realize) that it is my own limiting beliefs in life that can, at times, keep me motionless and that simply by changing my focus, new blossoms are in bloom at every turn.   And I am GRATEFUL for the chance to embark on a journey of self-study that is not meant to manifest a new life but to dig deeper into the one I already have.

I have dealt with (sometimes crippling) anxiety and worry my whole life.  I was a super sensitive child and that foundation is still often rocky for me.  I have great fears about what goes on in our world and that those things to fear creep closer to me every day.  My insecurities run deep—just ask anyone who really knows me.  There has been a distant drum beating in me for change and even more than change, for transformation.  That beat is getting louder every day.  It is from this point that I take this journey.

What will it look like??  I have no idea—well, I have some idea—-but I do know that I have felt so rigid in my thinking too often for the past few years.  This rigidity has fixed me in place while life is flowing around me.  I want to jump into that flow, and frankly, sometimes I am in that place and feel divine.  I actually LOVE the fluidity of life, I just want to experience it more often.  I want to feel fully tethered with my feet on the ground but with a mind that can easily move. The greatest mirrors for where I am at on any given day are my children.  If I see them experiencing anxiety or doubt I know I need to anchor myself more firmly, and I do.  

This journey for me feels like journaling in public—why would I choose to do that??  Maybe it’s accountability or a creative outlet I so desperately need, or maybe I just want to put things more clearly out into the universe. A time will come for all of us when we die/leave this planet/disappear into a black hole/become one with the universe/go the heaven, and we don’t know when that will happen.  The question that I have been reflecting on lately is “how do I want to spend my time?”

This journey is a big part of how I want to spend it.

So, after a lifetime of anxieties, countless lessons, immense laughter, crying and more crying, loving, being loved, breaking, and building back up and breaking again, it’s time I start writing some of this stuff down….and sharing it, for what it’s worth.

Anna xo